The past few days have given me a lot to think about, as my ex has suddenly gotten remarried.
I did not get to wish them well, because I have honestly given up on ever having a social relationship with my ex. Why? Because he has chosen to treat me as refuse, as someone he has gotten all he could get from and then discarded. He does not speak with me and he does not respond to any piece of communication from me.
All the not-so-good stuff that he does, however, he insists on attributing to me, or at least forcing me to share the blame with him. He recently wrote a long text to one of our children blaming himself and me (!!) for something that happened. I was copied on the text!
He could have perfectly left me out of the whole equation because I did not belong in it, not in an ounce of a way. What can I say....? Frustrating, to say the least; yet, these are the only times the guy refers to me. No sir, thank you, I can do without anymore guilt trips than the ones you put me on for three decades.
Some of the things that I have thought about with his marriage have been attributed to things that he did - or did not do - while we were married.... in the course of 31 years.
For instance, he often threatened to trade me in for two younger models. I must laugh here, because this is about the ONLY promise made to me that he sort of kept. He did marry a much younger female, very close to our own children's age.
Now, for 31 years I pleaded and begged for us to take ballroom dancing lessons because I so wanted to dance with him, but he always refused. The closest to doing it he ever got was a promise he made to me when I moved to Virginia. He said we would take ballroom dancing then. That was a FAIL. No lessons. No dancing. Yet, on his wedding day to his new bride, he danced. I watched as he followed her lead (she is a dancer) and danced with her. Thumbs up for him. He is learning to do something for the other person in the marriage, for a change. Maybe having been married for 31 years before has taught him something. I was so very tired of being alone in the marriage, spending time by myself while he spent time with friends, who, by the way, he considered his 'best' friends instead of me.
Today I noticed a nice picture of the newlyweds on Facebook, and I thought, "wow, it took him exactly 13 months to accept me on Facebook when I first started using it (he started on it before I did). Thirteen months!!! And we had been married over 25 years! Yet, his new wife (or bride, as he probably calls her now) already has a picture of them on her Facebook profile, and he is actually smiling. Thumbs up to her for getting him to do a selfie with her AND to get a smile out of him.
I see progress here. This young lady is so lucky to have him do things for her. Perhaps she will benefit from all the things he now realizes he never wanted to do for me, the woman who stuck by him through thick and thin and did for him what no other being on this planet did.
Progress is good. All this shows that he is trying. I, of all people, should be able to testify to that, because I cried myself to sleep so many times because of the things I, his wife, had to do without, starting with his presence.
I applaud his efforts for trying to make someone else happy. If all the changes keep on taking place, there is a huge chance she will be the only woman he will ever have time for. And she will be way luckier than I ever was.
And another page has been turned! I am looking forward to the next chapter/s.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Joy Does Return
Are you going through hard times? Are you struggling to believe you will ever smile again or have joy in your life again?
For quite some time I walked those shoes, but I persevered and I trusted that God would help me get through all that sadness. And He did. And joy did return!!!
I recently got to share my testimony of how I overcame the pain of divorce.
I am enclosing a link to the video here.
I pray it encourages you today.
Blessings,
Luska
Sunday, March 19, 2017
The Power of A Smile
Charlie Chaplin, the man who was - more often than not - serious in his silent movies, authored the song "Smile," whose lyrics spurs us to smile on, even when things are tough.
According to Charlie, life is still worthwhile and the world will smile with you, if you smile. :-)
To hear the song, click on this link: http://www.metrolyrics.com/smile-lyrics-charlie-chaplin.html
What a sweet encouragement, especially when we think of the power of words. Words can make us or break us; they can encourage us and they can tear us down. 1 Thessalonians 5:11
When I started to tell people that I was divorced from the person they knew as my spouse, some of them would look at me in disbelief and say that they had no idea what I was going through, because, somehow, I managed to smile my way through my pain.
I was not sarcastic or sadistic, mind you. I did cry my share of tears, and boy, did I have a tough road to reach the point where I could actually talk about my separation and divorce experience without breaking down!
Nonetheless, I did not parade around crying 24/7 to gain others' sympathy, as my ex spouse pointed out to me. In fact, I cried in silence a lot of the time. I cried in restrooms. I cried in empty office spaces. I cried in empty parking lots. I cried at home, alone. I also cried in my vehicle a lot.
At times, my sadness would implode and would show itself in the form of a panic attack. I had to take multiple trips to the Emergency Room in Georgia, Indiana and even in Virginia because of severe panic attacks. Panic attacks are not fun and they are scary, especially when you are by yourself. One time, while still in Georgia, I had a panic attack so severe while I was on the road, that I parked my car on the shoulder and lay behind my car in hopes that someone would see me and come to my rescue. And God sent a semi-truck driver who was travelling on the opposite side of the road to assist me. He called 911 and off I went in an ambulance. That day I scared myself and my friend Cathy, with whom I was living at the time (2010), and she immediately drove to that small town to get me and even found someone to drive my vehicle back.
Those were horrible times I hope to never go through again. They are very painful and they eat up your health and livelihood. And if you do not seek help, you will allow yourself to dwindle down to nothing.
I am so very grateful for good friends that God has granted me to encourage me and to help me stay focused in what is important. And sometimes, they even got me to have a belly laugh. Those friends made a huge difference in my life and helped me to steer forward even when I thought I couldn't.
Yesterday I ran into two ladies (mother and daughter) at the grocery store, whom I met back in 2013. I stopped to chat and the mother said, "I did not recognize you until my daughter told me who you were. I remember when I first met you and even though you smiled, I could sense a tremendous sadness in your smile. But today, I met someone new. Your smile radiated the joy of the Lord and I smiled because of your smile." Chaplin was right; the world will smile with us when we smile, especially if our smile carries in it the joy of the Lord.
If you have gotten to the point where a smile takes great effort, do not give up. Keep on trying. It is like exercising, when you must keep on doing the same repetitions until you get the exercise right. Your smile will not only bring joy into your own life, but it may be the very thing someone in pain may need at the time you smile, and you both will benefit from it.
Luska
According to Charlie, life is still worthwhile and the world will smile with you, if you smile. :-)
To hear the song, click on this link: http://www.metrolyrics.com/smile-lyrics-charlie-chaplin.html
What a sweet encouragement, especially when we think of the power of words. Words can make us or break us; they can encourage us and they can tear us down. 1 Thessalonians 5:11
When I started to tell people that I was divorced from the person they knew as my spouse, some of them would look at me in disbelief and say that they had no idea what I was going through, because, somehow, I managed to smile my way through my pain.
I was not sarcastic or sadistic, mind you. I did cry my share of tears, and boy, did I have a tough road to reach the point where I could actually talk about my separation and divorce experience without breaking down!
Nonetheless, I did not parade around crying 24/7 to gain others' sympathy, as my ex spouse pointed out to me. In fact, I cried in silence a lot of the time. I cried in restrooms. I cried in empty office spaces. I cried in empty parking lots. I cried at home, alone. I also cried in my vehicle a lot.
At times, my sadness would implode and would show itself in the form of a panic attack. I had to take multiple trips to the Emergency Room in Georgia, Indiana and even in Virginia because of severe panic attacks. Panic attacks are not fun and they are scary, especially when you are by yourself. One time, while still in Georgia, I had a panic attack so severe while I was on the road, that I parked my car on the shoulder and lay behind my car in hopes that someone would see me and come to my rescue. And God sent a semi-truck driver who was travelling on the opposite side of the road to assist me. He called 911 and off I went in an ambulance. That day I scared myself and my friend Cathy, with whom I was living at the time (2010), and she immediately drove to that small town to get me and even found someone to drive my vehicle back.
Those were horrible times I hope to never go through again. They are very painful and they eat up your health and livelihood. And if you do not seek help, you will allow yourself to dwindle down to nothing.
I am so very grateful for good friends that God has granted me to encourage me and to help me stay focused in what is important. And sometimes, they even got me to have a belly laugh. Those friends made a huge difference in my life and helped me to steer forward even when I thought I couldn't.
Yesterday I ran into two ladies (mother and daughter) at the grocery store, whom I met back in 2013. I stopped to chat and the mother said, "I did not recognize you until my daughter told me who you were. I remember when I first met you and even though you smiled, I could sense a tremendous sadness in your smile. But today, I met someone new. Your smile radiated the joy of the Lord and I smiled because of your smile." Chaplin was right; the world will smile with us when we smile, especially if our smile carries in it the joy of the Lord.
If you have gotten to the point where a smile takes great effort, do not give up. Keep on trying. It is like exercising, when you must keep on doing the same repetitions until you get the exercise right. Your smile will not only bring joy into your own life, but it may be the very thing someone in pain may need at the time you smile, and you both will benefit from it.
Luska
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Thriving
It's roughly 5:15pm. Around the table sit six women, all in their upper 40's to mid 50's. Among them, me. The conversations go like the wind, aka "with the flow." Sometimes the laughter can be heard in other parts of the restaurant, and yet sometimes things get awfully quiet and "heavy" as they share some of the hard times they've lived through.
These are women who work hard at making a living; some still have young children at home. They all dreamed of a perfect life (if there is such a thing) where their children and grandchildren would come over to visit while they sat with their spouses on the porch, so they placed themselves in the helper role in their relationships, only to find themselves alone, some still not understanding why their men would choose to leave while they had it all made for them at home with wives who adored them and would do anything and everything to help them be successful and happy. Yes, all these six women have been abandoned by the men who vowed to love and protect them, and instead of now being able to enjoy the cozy, comfortable homes they had always dreamed of, they live paycheck to paycheck and most of their homes are modest apartments they struggle to afford.
The road toward completely leaving one's past in the past is arduous, tortuous and difficult. If you think about it this way, adding up all the years the six of us had been married, one would get 100+ years!! Some of us did not know what being single was, because we had married so young.
We all shared tid-bits of our paths: the happy, blissful years; the child-rearing years; the crazy school years (mostly the guys) and also the disgustingly bitter taste of knowing some of the men had a hard time staying faithful.
The sad part is, when you love so deeply, you also love blindly. No matter what is said or done to you gets quickly shoved into the closet of forgetfulness because you hope that when you wake up the next day 'everything is going to be different.' And it may be - for a time - until something happens and you, again, get to scrape your heart off the floor and cry yourself to sleep because you feel like you amount to a big pile of cow dung. And then, even in your worst pain, you still beg and plead for them not to leave you and you accept every blame that is imparted upon you, as if you drove them into hurting you. Some may think this is pathetic. But as pathetic as it may sound, it is real. And it is painful.
Tonight I got to hear some of the stories and could only nod my head in sympathy and solidarity because some of their stories somewhat resembled my own. We have found one another and it is comforting to know that we are not alone in this road, because we can offer one another encouragement. And it is comforting to know that no matter what was done that scarred our lives so deeply, we have the One who can help us through it: Jesus Christ. And we have faith to draw from to stay the course.
Each day that I wake up, I thank my God who sustains me. I never would have dreamed that one day I would be living so far from all my family, on my own in a place I never thought I would live in some day. Yet, as I look at my life, in spite of all the tears I cried and the loneliness I felt and the abandonment that pierced my being, I am alive and I am well. I am thriving. And I am not alone because God is with me.
These are women who work hard at making a living; some still have young children at home. They all dreamed of a perfect life (if there is such a thing) where their children and grandchildren would come over to visit while they sat with their spouses on the porch, so they placed themselves in the helper role in their relationships, only to find themselves alone, some still not understanding why their men would choose to leave while they had it all made for them at home with wives who adored them and would do anything and everything to help them be successful and happy. Yes, all these six women have been abandoned by the men who vowed to love and protect them, and instead of now being able to enjoy the cozy, comfortable homes they had always dreamed of, they live paycheck to paycheck and most of their homes are modest apartments they struggle to afford.
The road toward completely leaving one's past in the past is arduous, tortuous and difficult. If you think about it this way, adding up all the years the six of us had been married, one would get 100+ years!! Some of us did not know what being single was, because we had married so young.
We all shared tid-bits of our paths: the happy, blissful years; the child-rearing years; the crazy school years (mostly the guys) and also the disgustingly bitter taste of knowing some of the men had a hard time staying faithful.
The sad part is, when you love so deeply, you also love blindly. No matter what is said or done to you gets quickly shoved into the closet of forgetfulness because you hope that when you wake up the next day 'everything is going to be different.' And it may be - for a time - until something happens and you, again, get to scrape your heart off the floor and cry yourself to sleep because you feel like you amount to a big pile of cow dung. And then, even in your worst pain, you still beg and plead for them not to leave you and you accept every blame that is imparted upon you, as if you drove them into hurting you. Some may think this is pathetic. But as pathetic as it may sound, it is real. And it is painful.
Tonight I got to hear some of the stories and could only nod my head in sympathy and solidarity because some of their stories somewhat resembled my own. We have found one another and it is comforting to know that we are not alone in this road, because we can offer one another encouragement. And it is comforting to know that no matter what was done that scarred our lives so deeply, we have the One who can help us through it: Jesus Christ. And we have faith to draw from to stay the course.
Each day that I wake up, I thank my God who sustains me. I never would have dreamed that one day I would be living so far from all my family, on my own in a place I never thought I would live in some day. Yet, as I look at my life, in spite of all the tears I cried and the loneliness I felt and the abandonment that pierced my being, I am alive and I am well. I am thriving. And I am not alone because God is with me.
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