Also, in the beginning of June our family was blessed with a new addition, a little boy named Tristan, born to my youngest son, Lukas, and his wife Jessica. My grandmother's heart was rejoicing and I was in "grandma heaven" when I went up to WNY to meet the little bundle of joy, because all my grandchildren (so far, all boys) were up there to welcome their cousin. There is nothing more refreshing, fulfilling, fun and exciting than being around your children and grandchildren. I love them with all my heart.
Since this blog is about choosing to be joyful in the post-divorce phase of my life and my doctorate dissertation topic is about the impact of divorce on the educational persistence of female doctoral students (yes, it hits home to me!), I have been reading articles, books, blogs, dissertations and anything I can get my hands on that discusses divorce, persistence, resilience, stress, attrition, completion, and so forth. I have learned through my readings that all the emotions and pains of divorce which were experienced by me were not things that I was alone experiencing, and that surely helps in my healing, as I used to think that there was something wrong with me since my spouse consistently kept on leaving and placing me in the bottom of his priority list.
Here's a thought I would like to leave with you: if your spouse is not content with him/herself, is not content with the life he/she is living as a married individual, it is not because of you. You may, of course, play a part in his or her desire to leave, but the lack of stability, contentment and satisfaction in his or her life is not your fault, so do not take that blame. Trust me, I did, and that did not help me at all. I was blue and sad all the time, until the day I decided I would no longer blame myself for my ex spouse's actions.
So, back to my trip to be with family.... when I was up in WNY I saw my "ex" twice and instead of hurt and pain because of his actions towards me, (e.g. when he arrived at the hospital room to meet our new grandson, he greeted everyone in the room and completely ignored my presence among them), I felt sorry for him, because it must be tough for him to see me happy when he abandoned me at the worst times possible, and moved on to seek a replacement for me even before the divorce was final, while I am fully focused on work, school, and my spiritual life.
Family has always been my greatest joy. I sacrificed a lot because of my family, especially in the years that my ex spouse was pursuing his higher education, because I saw that as an investment in us as a family unit, not just on him, and the last thing on my mind was that someday he would tire himself of my company and affection, and leave.
Here I am, two years later, divorced and still getting my joy from watching my grandchildren grow, even if from a distance and having to use technology to communicate with them.
The man I devoted myself to proved to me that he did not deserve me. He abused my trust and willingness to help, to the very last second he could. He even used his job loss as an excuse not to pay me the full alimony amount decreed by the judge on June 6, 2014, by saying he would declare bankruptcy if he had to pay me that much, because "he had no job," so I settled for less than half, only to find out a short (very short) while later that he had already secured a job elsewhere, so I settled, basically, to help him take advantage of me. :(
There are battles in life that we can choose to fight and there are battles that we should simply trust that God will defend for us some day. The alimony one is a good example of that. I was forced to file for divorce to seek my rights after I had been abandoned for the third time in a row and had been alone in my marriage for multiple years. Yet, as his job loss (his own fault, too) happened right before the divorce was decreed, I thought I would help him by not forcing him to pay the money he claimed he didn't have, when, in fact, it was already secured.
How do you trust individuals like that? How do you believe the words that come out of the mouth of a person who lies to hurt you after you helped him or her for THREE decades?
To me, the decision is easy: I am definitely not going to change my values, my principles, my beliefs and the core of who I am as a child of God to lie, especially in court, about something I know is wrong just to hurt my neighbor. Especially if my "neighbor" is the only person I had ever loved in my life.
I choose the higher road and I choose to keep on doing what is right in God's eyes. The rest, well, God is just, and sooner or later, He settles it in His court. :)
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