Learn to Love Myself

I'd listened to Whitney Houston singing "The Greatest Love of All" so many times, but it wasn't until recently, while reflecting upon my own life circumstances that I actually came to peace with the fact that learning to love myself is actually something healthy that anyone should learn to do and do it.

Ironically, the beautiful woman with the amazing voice that captivated people all over the world did not seem to love herself a whole lot. As a matter of fact, tabloids loved to show pictures of her with a bruised face and black eyes. One can never tell what goes on inside the heart of someone who is hurting just by looking at them.

The Bible tells us to love God with all our being, and to love others as well, but if we pay close attention to the commandment, we will see that we are not told to love others above ourselves. As a matter of fact, here is the passage, word for word: 
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31

In marriage, however, especially for women, there is a tendency to love our spouses more than we love ourselves, and in some instances, to let ourselves go for the benefit of the other.

In my own marriage, I was so in love with the person of my spouse, that I did not think twice before putting his needs first. When we decided who would pursue his or her education first, it made perfect sense to me that since he was the main provider of the family, he would go all the way to the terminal degree, so he could find a good paying job and I would then, focus on my own studies.

In 1997, we left our 3-bedroom-home of almost 9 years in a small town in Texas, and moved the family to a tiny apartment in the Graduate Housing of Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, so my "ex" could work on his master's degree. Our boys were all young (9, 11, and 13), and I worked all day in a township north of Evanston, facing heavy traffic to and from work, which often kept me from being able to participate in my children's school activities. A year later, with the children barely adjusting to Illinois, we, again, picked up stakes and moved the family to Michigan, for him to start his doctorate coursework.

What started in 1997, lasted several years, as opportunities for new jobs came after graduation and we would pick up and move so he could take advantage of those. As the years passed, however, our children were staying behind and getting settled in the towns from which we moved. Several of those moves also entailed my "ex" moving ahead of me, which left me feeling lonely all the time.

Soon after, I found myself an empty nester who was home alone the majority of the time, as my "ex" was constantly focused on his career and new friendships he had been making while living away from me; eventually, he completely detached himself from me and from our marriage, and any mention I'd make about feeling lonely and needing companionship resulted in arguments and him telling me I was "quite the nagger," which, ultimately, turned him off and placed more distance between us.

From 2005 to the time we were divorced in 2014, we lived apart five years. Yes, I said FIVE years. What to me, was completely unacceptable and unlike a Christian marriage, was, to my "ex" the perfect set up, as he was living away from home and not owing accountability to anyone.

Why am I sharing this? As imperfect as what I just shared above was and felt, and as painful as it was to me emotionally, physically, and even spiritually, I did not imagine myself not married to him, and fought tooth and nail to remain his wife, at whatever cost to me.

Did he show me he was no longer committed to our marriage? Yes! Without going into too many details, I found myself pretty much homeless, while mourning the death of my beloved father and the loss of my job. Yet, while I hurt, my "ex" filled his time running marathons (a new hobby he picked up) all over the country, and travelling to visit friends and go on vacations.

I see today how my self esteem was at an all-time low and how far from loving myself I was. I begged to come to live with him in Virginia so many times, that finally ,in the summer of 2011 he agreed to let me come, but only to move out a year later, leaving me in the same predicament as he had already left me before. That sense of deja vu made me feel painfully deceived all over again, being abandoned after I had sacrificed so much so he could achieve his dreams in life. I was still lonely, sad, and now, very depressed.

I was so sad, I didn't even recognize myself. I would break down and cry at work, at the grocery store, at the mall, and pretty much anywhere else. I was needing help and I needed to help myself, too!! The list below is something I had to do in order to ensure I would follow the steps needed for my healing. Number seven was the last thing I ever thought I would do, because I strongly advocated against divorce all my life, and still think divorce should not be the first option for marital problems.

My personal steps for recovery were:
1- Sign up for Divorce Care Support Group
2- Find a counselor or therapist with whom I could talk about my problem
3- Pray and forgive
4- Remind myself that my body still needed attention, like, being fed and getting rest
5- Surround myself by people that would be positive and encourage me
6- Keep myself occupied, so I would not be depressed
7- File for divorce

Healing comes in small steps, or bites, but it does come. As I look back at my life, I see that I should have probably filed for divorce much longer ago, and maybe I would have avoided a lot of the physical issues that I ended up having, which were caused by the stress under which I lived.

I don't, however, regret having waited to file for divorce until I was 100% sure that I was not doing anything in haste or in anger. I waited until I had done everything possible to save my marriage, but it was not up to just me.

Loving yourself does not mean you are completely self-focused and narcissistic; it means that you can appreciate yourself and treat yourself with the respect you deserve.

It took me a long time to learn to love ME, but I have discovered that I am deserving of a little TLC, too. And smiling, well, smiling has made wonders for my soul. And it will do for yours, also.

Blessings,

Luska