The past few days have given me a lot to think about, as my ex has suddenly gotten remarried.
I did not get to wish them well, because I have honestly given up on ever having a social relationship with my ex. Why? Because he has chosen to treat me as refuse, as someone he has gotten all he could get from and then discarded. He does not speak with me and he does not respond to any piece of communication from me.
All the not-so-good stuff that he does, however, he insists on attributing to me, or at least forcing me to share the blame with him. He recently wrote a long text to one of our children blaming himself and me (!!) for something that happened. I was copied on the text!
He could have perfectly left me out of the whole equation because I did not belong in it, not in an ounce of a way. What can I say....? Frustrating, to say the least; yet, these are the only times the guy refers to me. No sir, thank you, I can do without anymore guilt trips than the ones you put me on for three decades.
Some of the things that I have thought about with his marriage have been attributed to things that he did - or did not do - while we were married.... in the course of 31 years.
For instance, he often threatened to trade me in for two younger models. I must laugh here, because this is about the ONLY promise made to me that he sort of kept. He did marry a much younger female, very close to our own children's age.
Now, for 31 years I pleaded and begged for us to take ballroom dancing lessons because I so wanted to dance with him, but he always refused. The closest to doing it he ever got was a promise he made to me when I moved to Virginia. He said we would take ballroom dancing then. That was a FAIL. No lessons. No dancing. Yet, on his wedding day to his new bride, he danced. I watched as he followed her lead (she is a dancer) and danced with her. Thumbs up for him. He is learning to do something for the other person in the marriage, for a change. Maybe having been married for 31 years before has taught him something. I was so very tired of being alone in the marriage, spending time by myself while he spent time with friends, who, by the way, he considered his 'best' friends instead of me.
Today I noticed a nice picture of the newlyweds on Facebook, and I thought, "wow, it took him exactly 13 months to accept me on Facebook when I first started using it (he started on it before I did). Thirteen months!!! And we had been married over 25 years! Yet, his new wife (or bride, as he probably calls her now) already has a picture of them on her Facebook profile, and he is actually smiling. Thumbs up to her for getting him to do a selfie with her AND to get a smile out of him.
I see progress here. This young lady is so lucky to have him do things for her. Perhaps she will benefit from all the things he now realizes he never wanted to do for me, the woman who stuck by him through thick and thin and did for him what no other being on this planet did.
Progress is good. All this shows that he is trying. I, of all people, should be able to testify to that, because I cried myself to sleep so many times because of the things I, his wife, had to do without, starting with his presence.
I applaud his efforts for trying to make someone else happy. If all the changes keep on taking place, there is a huge chance she will be the only woman he will ever have time for. And she will be way luckier than I ever was.
And another page has been turned! I am looking forward to the next chapter/s.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Joy Does Return
Are you going through hard times? Are you struggling to believe you will ever smile again or have joy in your life again?
For quite some time I walked those shoes, but I persevered and I trusted that God would help me get through all that sadness. And He did. And joy did return!!!
I recently got to share my testimony of how I overcame the pain of divorce.
I am enclosing a link to the video here.
I pray it encourages you today.
Blessings,
Luska
Sunday, March 19, 2017
The Power of A Smile
Charlie Chaplin, the man who was - more often than not - serious in his silent movies, authored the song "Smile," whose lyrics spurs us to smile on, even when things are tough.
According to Charlie, life is still worthwhile and the world will smile with you, if you smile. :-)
To hear the song, click on this link: http://www.metrolyrics.com/smile-lyrics-charlie-chaplin.html
What a sweet encouragement, especially when we think of the power of words. Words can make us or break us; they can encourage us and they can tear us down. 1 Thessalonians 5:11
When I started to tell people that I was divorced from the person they knew as my spouse, some of them would look at me in disbelief and say that they had no idea what I was going through, because, somehow, I managed to smile my way through my pain.
I was not sarcastic or sadistic, mind you. I did cry my share of tears, and boy, did I have a tough road to reach the point where I could actually talk about my separation and divorce experience without breaking down!
Nonetheless, I did not parade around crying 24/7 to gain others' sympathy, as my ex spouse pointed out to me. In fact, I cried in silence a lot of the time. I cried in restrooms. I cried in empty office spaces. I cried in empty parking lots. I cried at home, alone. I also cried in my vehicle a lot.
At times, my sadness would implode and would show itself in the form of a panic attack. I had to take multiple trips to the Emergency Room in Georgia, Indiana and even in Virginia because of severe panic attacks. Panic attacks are not fun and they are scary, especially when you are by yourself. One time, while still in Georgia, I had a panic attack so severe while I was on the road, that I parked my car on the shoulder and lay behind my car in hopes that someone would see me and come to my rescue. And God sent a semi-truck driver who was travelling on the opposite side of the road to assist me. He called 911 and off I went in an ambulance. That day I scared myself and my friend Cathy, with whom I was living at the time (2010), and she immediately drove to that small town to get me and even found someone to drive my vehicle back.
Those were horrible times I hope to never go through again. They are very painful and they eat up your health and livelihood. And if you do not seek help, you will allow yourself to dwindle down to nothing.
I am so very grateful for good friends that God has granted me to encourage me and to help me stay focused in what is important. And sometimes, they even got me to have a belly laugh. Those friends made a huge difference in my life and helped me to steer forward even when I thought I couldn't.
Yesterday I ran into two ladies (mother and daughter) at the grocery store, whom I met back in 2013. I stopped to chat and the mother said, "I did not recognize you until my daughter told me who you were. I remember when I first met you and even though you smiled, I could sense a tremendous sadness in your smile. But today, I met someone new. Your smile radiated the joy of the Lord and I smiled because of your smile." Chaplin was right; the world will smile with us when we smile, especially if our smile carries in it the joy of the Lord.
If you have gotten to the point where a smile takes great effort, do not give up. Keep on trying. It is like exercising, when you must keep on doing the same repetitions until you get the exercise right. Your smile will not only bring joy into your own life, but it may be the very thing someone in pain may need at the time you smile, and you both will benefit from it.
Luska
According to Charlie, life is still worthwhile and the world will smile with you, if you smile. :-)
To hear the song, click on this link: http://www.metrolyrics.com/smile-lyrics-charlie-chaplin.html
What a sweet encouragement, especially when we think of the power of words. Words can make us or break us; they can encourage us and they can tear us down. 1 Thessalonians 5:11
When I started to tell people that I was divorced from the person they knew as my spouse, some of them would look at me in disbelief and say that they had no idea what I was going through, because, somehow, I managed to smile my way through my pain.
I was not sarcastic or sadistic, mind you. I did cry my share of tears, and boy, did I have a tough road to reach the point where I could actually talk about my separation and divorce experience without breaking down!
Nonetheless, I did not parade around crying 24/7 to gain others' sympathy, as my ex spouse pointed out to me. In fact, I cried in silence a lot of the time. I cried in restrooms. I cried in empty office spaces. I cried in empty parking lots. I cried at home, alone. I also cried in my vehicle a lot.
At times, my sadness would implode and would show itself in the form of a panic attack. I had to take multiple trips to the Emergency Room in Georgia, Indiana and even in Virginia because of severe panic attacks. Panic attacks are not fun and they are scary, especially when you are by yourself. One time, while still in Georgia, I had a panic attack so severe while I was on the road, that I parked my car on the shoulder and lay behind my car in hopes that someone would see me and come to my rescue. And God sent a semi-truck driver who was travelling on the opposite side of the road to assist me. He called 911 and off I went in an ambulance. That day I scared myself and my friend Cathy, with whom I was living at the time (2010), and she immediately drove to that small town to get me and even found someone to drive my vehicle back.
Those were horrible times I hope to never go through again. They are very painful and they eat up your health and livelihood. And if you do not seek help, you will allow yourself to dwindle down to nothing.
I am so very grateful for good friends that God has granted me to encourage me and to help me stay focused in what is important. And sometimes, they even got me to have a belly laugh. Those friends made a huge difference in my life and helped me to steer forward even when I thought I couldn't.
Yesterday I ran into two ladies (mother and daughter) at the grocery store, whom I met back in 2013. I stopped to chat and the mother said, "I did not recognize you until my daughter told me who you were. I remember when I first met you and even though you smiled, I could sense a tremendous sadness in your smile. But today, I met someone new. Your smile radiated the joy of the Lord and I smiled because of your smile." Chaplin was right; the world will smile with us when we smile, especially if our smile carries in it the joy of the Lord.
If you have gotten to the point where a smile takes great effort, do not give up. Keep on trying. It is like exercising, when you must keep on doing the same repetitions until you get the exercise right. Your smile will not only bring joy into your own life, but it may be the very thing someone in pain may need at the time you smile, and you both will benefit from it.
Luska
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Thriving
It's roughly 5:15pm. Around the table sit six women, all in their upper 40's to mid 50's. Among them, me. The conversations go like the wind, aka "with the flow." Sometimes the laughter can be heard in other parts of the restaurant, and yet sometimes things get awfully quiet and "heavy" as they share some of the hard times they've lived through.
These are women who work hard at making a living; some still have young children at home. They all dreamed of a perfect life (if there is such a thing) where their children and grandchildren would come over to visit while they sat with their spouses on the porch, so they placed themselves in the helper role in their relationships, only to find themselves alone, some still not understanding why their men would choose to leave while they had it all made for them at home with wives who adored them and would do anything and everything to help them be successful and happy. Yes, all these six women have been abandoned by the men who vowed to love and protect them, and instead of now being able to enjoy the cozy, comfortable homes they had always dreamed of, they live paycheck to paycheck and most of their homes are modest apartments they struggle to afford.
The road toward completely leaving one's past in the past is arduous, tortuous and difficult. If you think about it this way, adding up all the years the six of us had been married, one would get 100+ years!! Some of us did not know what being single was, because we had married so young.
We all shared tid-bits of our paths: the happy, blissful years; the child-rearing years; the crazy school years (mostly the guys) and also the disgustingly bitter taste of knowing some of the men had a hard time staying faithful.
The sad part is, when you love so deeply, you also love blindly. No matter what is said or done to you gets quickly shoved into the closet of forgetfulness because you hope that when you wake up the next day 'everything is going to be different.' And it may be - for a time - until something happens and you, again, get to scrape your heart off the floor and cry yourself to sleep because you feel like you amount to a big pile of cow dung. And then, even in your worst pain, you still beg and plead for them not to leave you and you accept every blame that is imparted upon you, as if you drove them into hurting you. Some may think this is pathetic. But as pathetic as it may sound, it is real. And it is painful.
Tonight I got to hear some of the stories and could only nod my head in sympathy and solidarity because some of their stories somewhat resembled my own. We have found one another and it is comforting to know that we are not alone in this road, because we can offer one another encouragement. And it is comforting to know that no matter what was done that scarred our lives so deeply, we have the One who can help us through it: Jesus Christ. And we have faith to draw from to stay the course.
Each day that I wake up, I thank my God who sustains me. I never would have dreamed that one day I would be living so far from all my family, on my own in a place I never thought I would live in some day. Yet, as I look at my life, in spite of all the tears I cried and the loneliness I felt and the abandonment that pierced my being, I am alive and I am well. I am thriving. And I am not alone because God is with me.
These are women who work hard at making a living; some still have young children at home. They all dreamed of a perfect life (if there is such a thing) where their children and grandchildren would come over to visit while they sat with their spouses on the porch, so they placed themselves in the helper role in their relationships, only to find themselves alone, some still not understanding why their men would choose to leave while they had it all made for them at home with wives who adored them and would do anything and everything to help them be successful and happy. Yes, all these six women have been abandoned by the men who vowed to love and protect them, and instead of now being able to enjoy the cozy, comfortable homes they had always dreamed of, they live paycheck to paycheck and most of their homes are modest apartments they struggle to afford.
The road toward completely leaving one's past in the past is arduous, tortuous and difficult. If you think about it this way, adding up all the years the six of us had been married, one would get 100+ years!! Some of us did not know what being single was, because we had married so young.
We all shared tid-bits of our paths: the happy, blissful years; the child-rearing years; the crazy school years (mostly the guys) and also the disgustingly bitter taste of knowing some of the men had a hard time staying faithful.
The sad part is, when you love so deeply, you also love blindly. No matter what is said or done to you gets quickly shoved into the closet of forgetfulness because you hope that when you wake up the next day 'everything is going to be different.' And it may be - for a time - until something happens and you, again, get to scrape your heart off the floor and cry yourself to sleep because you feel like you amount to a big pile of cow dung. And then, even in your worst pain, you still beg and plead for them not to leave you and you accept every blame that is imparted upon you, as if you drove them into hurting you. Some may think this is pathetic. But as pathetic as it may sound, it is real. And it is painful.
Tonight I got to hear some of the stories and could only nod my head in sympathy and solidarity because some of their stories somewhat resembled my own. We have found one another and it is comforting to know that we are not alone in this road, because we can offer one another encouragement. And it is comforting to know that no matter what was done that scarred our lives so deeply, we have the One who can help us through it: Jesus Christ. And we have faith to draw from to stay the course.
Each day that I wake up, I thank my God who sustains me. I never would have dreamed that one day I would be living so far from all my family, on my own in a place I never thought I would live in some day. Yet, as I look at my life, in spite of all the tears I cried and the loneliness I felt and the abandonment that pierced my being, I am alive and I am well. I am thriving. And I am not alone because God is with me.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Choosing the Higher Road
It's been four months since I last posted, and it wasn't because I did not want to write, but time has been very scarce between work, school and church. I am not complaining, either, because I am enjoying every bit of it all. :)
Also, in the beginning of June our family was blessed with a new addition, a little boy named Tristan, born to my youngest son, Lukas, and his wife Jessica. My grandmother's heart was rejoicing and I was in "grandma heaven" when I went up to WNY to meet the little bundle of joy, because all my grandchildren (so far, all boys) were up there to welcome their cousin. There is nothing more refreshing, fulfilling, fun and exciting than being around your children and grandchildren. I love them with all my heart.
Since this blog is about choosing to be joyful in the post-divorce phase of my life and my doctorate dissertation topic is about the impact of divorce on the educational persistence of female doctoral students (yes, it hits home to me!), I have been reading articles, books, blogs, dissertations and anything I can get my hands on that discusses divorce, persistence, resilience, stress, attrition, completion, and so forth. I have learned through my readings that all the emotions and pains of divorce which were experienced by me were not things that I was alone experiencing, and that surely helps in my healing, as I used to think that there was something wrong with me since my spouse consistently kept on leaving and placing me in the bottom of his priority list.
Here's a thought I would like to leave with you: if your spouse is not content with him/herself, is not content with the life he/she is living as a married individual, it is not because of you. You may, of course, play a part in his or her desire to leave, but the lack of stability, contentment and satisfaction in his or her life is not your fault, so do not take that blame. Trust me, I did, and that did not help me at all. I was blue and sad all the time, until the day I decided I would no longer blame myself for my ex spouse's actions.
So, back to my trip to be with family.... when I was up in WNY I saw my "ex" twice and instead of hurt and pain because of his actions towards me, (e.g. when he arrived at the hospital room to meet our new grandson, he greeted everyone in the room and completely ignored my presence among them), I felt sorry for him, because it must be tough for him to see me happy when he abandoned me at the worst times possible, and moved on to seek a replacement for me even before the divorce was final, while I am fully focused on work, school, and my spiritual life.
Family has always been my greatest joy. I sacrificed a lot because of my family, especially in the years that my ex spouse was pursuing his higher education, because I saw that as an investment in us as a family unit, not just on him, and the last thing on my mind was that someday he would tire himself of my company and affection, and leave.
Here I am, two years later, divorced and still getting my joy from watching my grandchildren grow, even if from a distance and having to use technology to communicate with them.
The man I devoted myself to proved to me that he did not deserve me. He abused my trust and willingness to help, to the very last second he could. He even used his job loss as an excuse not to pay me the full alimony amount decreed by the judge on June 6, 2014, by saying he would declare bankruptcy if he had to pay me that much, because "he had no job," so I settled for less than half, only to find out a short (very short) while later that he had already secured a job elsewhere, so I settled, basically, to help him take advantage of me. :(
There are battles in life that we can choose to fight and there are battles that we should simply trust that God will defend for us some day. The alimony one is a good example of that. I was forced to file for divorce to seek my rights after I had been abandoned for the third time in a row and had been alone in my marriage for multiple years. Yet, as his job loss (his own fault, too) happened right before the divorce was decreed, I thought I would help him by not forcing him to pay the money he claimed he didn't have, when, in fact, it was already secured.
How do you trust individuals like that? How do you believe the words that come out of the mouth of a person who lies to hurt you after you helped him or her for THREE decades?
To me, the decision is easy: I am definitely not going to change my values, my principles, my beliefs and the core of who I am as a child of God to lie, especially in court, about something I know is wrong just to hurt my neighbor. Especially if my "neighbor" is the only person I had ever loved in my life.
I choose the higher road and I choose to keep on doing what is right in God's eyes. The rest, well, God is just, and sooner or later, He settles it in His court. :)
Also, in the beginning of June our family was blessed with a new addition, a little boy named Tristan, born to my youngest son, Lukas, and his wife Jessica. My grandmother's heart was rejoicing and I was in "grandma heaven" when I went up to WNY to meet the little bundle of joy, because all my grandchildren (so far, all boys) were up there to welcome their cousin. There is nothing more refreshing, fulfilling, fun and exciting than being around your children and grandchildren. I love them with all my heart.
Since this blog is about choosing to be joyful in the post-divorce phase of my life and my doctorate dissertation topic is about the impact of divorce on the educational persistence of female doctoral students (yes, it hits home to me!), I have been reading articles, books, blogs, dissertations and anything I can get my hands on that discusses divorce, persistence, resilience, stress, attrition, completion, and so forth. I have learned through my readings that all the emotions and pains of divorce which were experienced by me were not things that I was alone experiencing, and that surely helps in my healing, as I used to think that there was something wrong with me since my spouse consistently kept on leaving and placing me in the bottom of his priority list.
Here's a thought I would like to leave with you: if your spouse is not content with him/herself, is not content with the life he/she is living as a married individual, it is not because of you. You may, of course, play a part in his or her desire to leave, but the lack of stability, contentment and satisfaction in his or her life is not your fault, so do not take that blame. Trust me, I did, and that did not help me at all. I was blue and sad all the time, until the day I decided I would no longer blame myself for my ex spouse's actions.
So, back to my trip to be with family.... when I was up in WNY I saw my "ex" twice and instead of hurt and pain because of his actions towards me, (e.g. when he arrived at the hospital room to meet our new grandson, he greeted everyone in the room and completely ignored my presence among them), I felt sorry for him, because it must be tough for him to see me happy when he abandoned me at the worst times possible, and moved on to seek a replacement for me even before the divorce was final, while I am fully focused on work, school, and my spiritual life.
Family has always been my greatest joy. I sacrificed a lot because of my family, especially in the years that my ex spouse was pursuing his higher education, because I saw that as an investment in us as a family unit, not just on him, and the last thing on my mind was that someday he would tire himself of my company and affection, and leave.
Here I am, two years later, divorced and still getting my joy from watching my grandchildren grow, even if from a distance and having to use technology to communicate with them.
The man I devoted myself to proved to me that he did not deserve me. He abused my trust and willingness to help, to the very last second he could. He even used his job loss as an excuse not to pay me the full alimony amount decreed by the judge on June 6, 2014, by saying he would declare bankruptcy if he had to pay me that much, because "he had no job," so I settled for less than half, only to find out a short (very short) while later that he had already secured a job elsewhere, so I settled, basically, to help him take advantage of me. :(
There are battles in life that we can choose to fight and there are battles that we should simply trust that God will defend for us some day. The alimony one is a good example of that. I was forced to file for divorce to seek my rights after I had been abandoned for the third time in a row and had been alone in my marriage for multiple years. Yet, as his job loss (his own fault, too) happened right before the divorce was decreed, I thought I would help him by not forcing him to pay the money he claimed he didn't have, when, in fact, it was already secured.
How do you trust individuals like that? How do you believe the words that come out of the mouth of a person who lies to hurt you after you helped him or her for THREE decades?
To me, the decision is easy: I am definitely not going to change my values, my principles, my beliefs and the core of who I am as a child of God to lie, especially in court, about something I know is wrong just to hurt my neighbor. Especially if my "neighbor" is the only person I had ever loved in my life.
I choose the higher road and I choose to keep on doing what is right in God's eyes. The rest, well, God is just, and sooner or later, He settles it in His court. :)
Monday, February 22, 2016
Learn to Love Myself
I'd listened to Whitney Houston singing "The Greatest Love of All" so many times, but it wasn't until recently, while reflecting upon my own life circumstances that I actually came to peace with the fact that learning to love myself is actually something healthy that anyone should learn to do and do it.
Ironically, the beautiful woman with the amazing voice that captivated people all over the world did not seem to love herself a whole lot. As a matter of fact, tabloids loved to show pictures of her with a bruised face and black eyes. One can never tell what goes on inside the heart of someone who is hurting just by looking at them.
The Bible tells us to love God with all our being, and to love others as well, but if we pay close attention to the commandment, we will see that we are not told to love others above ourselves. As a matter of fact, here is the passage, word for word:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31
In marriage, however, especially for women, there is a tendency to love our spouses more than we love ourselves, and in some instances, to let ourselves go for the benefit of the other.
In my own marriage, I was so in love with the person of my spouse, that I did not think twice before putting his needs first. When we decided who would pursue his or her education first, it made perfect sense to me that since he was the main provider of the family, he would go all the way to the terminal degree, so he could find a good paying job and I would then, focus on my own studies.
In 1997, we left our 3-bedroom-home of almost 9 years in a small town in Texas, and moved the family to a tiny apartment in the Graduate Housing of Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, so my "ex" could work on his master's degree. Our boys were all young (9, 11, and 13), and I worked all day in a township north of Evanston, facing heavy traffic to and from work, which often kept me from being able to participate in my children's school activities. A year later, with the children barely adjusting to Illinois, we, again, picked up stakes and moved the family to Michigan, for him to start his doctorate coursework.
What started in 1997, lasted several years, as opportunities for new jobs came after graduation and we would pick up and move so he could take advantage of those. As the years passed, however, our children were staying behind and getting settled in the towns from which we moved. Several of those moves also entailed my "ex" moving ahead of me, which left me feeling lonely all the time.
Soon after, I found myself an empty nester who was home alone the majority of the time, as my "ex" was constantly focused on his career and new friendships he had been making while living away from me; eventually, he completely detached himself from me and from our marriage, and any mention I'd make about feeling lonely and needing companionship resulted in arguments and him telling me I was "quite the nagger," which, ultimately, turned him off and placed more distance between us.
From 2005 to the time we were divorced in 2014, we lived apart five years. Yes, I said FIVE years. What to me, was completely unacceptable and unlike a Christian marriage, was, to my "ex" the perfect set up, as he was living away from home and not owing accountability to anyone.
Why am I sharing this? As imperfect as what I just shared above was and felt, and as painful as it was to me emotionally, physically, and even spiritually, I did not imagine myself not married to him, and fought tooth and nail to remain his wife, at whatever cost to me.
Did he show me he was no longer committed to our marriage? Yes! Without going into too many details, I found myself pretty much homeless, while mourning the death of my beloved father and the loss of my job. Yet, while I hurt, my "ex" filled his time running marathons (a new hobby he picked up) all over the country, and travelling to visit friends and go on vacations.
I see today how my self esteem was at an all-time low and how far from loving myself I was. I begged to come to live with him in Virginia so many times, that finally ,in the summer of 2011 he agreed to let me come, but only to move out a year later, leaving me in the same predicament as he had already left me before. That sense of deja vu made me feel painfully deceived all over again, being abandoned after I had sacrificed so much so he could achieve his dreams in life. I was still lonely, sad, and now, very depressed.
I was so sad, I didn't even recognize myself. I would break down and cry at work, at the grocery store, at the mall, and pretty much anywhere else. I was needing help and I needed to help myself, too!! The list below is something I had to do in order to ensure I would follow the steps needed for my healing. Number seven was the last thing I ever thought I would do, because I strongly advocated against divorce all my life, and still think divorce should not be the first option for marital problems.
My personal steps for recovery were:
1- Sign up for Divorce Care Support Group
2- Find a counselor or therapist with whom I could talk about my problem
3- Pray and forgive
4- Remind myself that my body still needed attention, like, being fed and getting rest
5- Surround myself by people that would be positive and encourage me
6- Keep myself occupied, so I would not be depressed
7- File for divorce
Healing comes in small steps, or bites, but it does come. As I look back at my life, I see that I should have probably filed for divorce much longer ago, and maybe I would have avoided a lot of the physical issues that I ended up having, which were caused by the stress under which I lived.
I don't, however, regret having waited to file for divorce until I was 100% sure that I was not doing anything in haste or in anger. I waited until I had done everything possible to save my marriage, but it was not up to just me.
Loving yourself does not mean you are completely self-focused and narcissistic; it means that you can appreciate yourself and treat yourself with the respect you deserve.
It took me a long time to learn to love ME, but I have discovered that I am deserving of a little TLC, too. And smiling, well, smiling has made wonders for my soul. And it will do for yours, also.
Blessings,
Luska
Ironically, the beautiful woman with the amazing voice that captivated people all over the world did not seem to love herself a whole lot. As a matter of fact, tabloids loved to show pictures of her with a bruised face and black eyes. One can never tell what goes on inside the heart of someone who is hurting just by looking at them.
The Bible tells us to love God with all our being, and to love others as well, but if we pay close attention to the commandment, we will see that we are not told to love others above ourselves. As a matter of fact, here is the passage, word for word:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31
In marriage, however, especially for women, there is a tendency to love our spouses more than we love ourselves, and in some instances, to let ourselves go for the benefit of the other.
In my own marriage, I was so in love with the person of my spouse, that I did not think twice before putting his needs first. When we decided who would pursue his or her education first, it made perfect sense to me that since he was the main provider of the family, he would go all the way to the terminal degree, so he could find a good paying job and I would then, focus on my own studies.
In 1997, we left our 3-bedroom-home of almost 9 years in a small town in Texas, and moved the family to a tiny apartment in the Graduate Housing of Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, so my "ex" could work on his master's degree. Our boys were all young (9, 11, and 13), and I worked all day in a township north of Evanston, facing heavy traffic to and from work, which often kept me from being able to participate in my children's school activities. A year later, with the children barely adjusting to Illinois, we, again, picked up stakes and moved the family to Michigan, for him to start his doctorate coursework.
What started in 1997, lasted several years, as opportunities for new jobs came after graduation and we would pick up and move so he could take advantage of those. As the years passed, however, our children were staying behind and getting settled in the towns from which we moved. Several of those moves also entailed my "ex" moving ahead of me, which left me feeling lonely all the time.
Soon after, I found myself an empty nester who was home alone the majority of the time, as my "ex" was constantly focused on his career and new friendships he had been making while living away from me; eventually, he completely detached himself from me and from our marriage, and any mention I'd make about feeling lonely and needing companionship resulted in arguments and him telling me I was "quite the nagger," which, ultimately, turned him off and placed more distance between us.
From 2005 to the time we were divorced in 2014, we lived apart five years. Yes, I said FIVE years. What to me, was completely unacceptable and unlike a Christian marriage, was, to my "ex" the perfect set up, as he was living away from home and not owing accountability to anyone.
Why am I sharing this? As imperfect as what I just shared above was and felt, and as painful as it was to me emotionally, physically, and even spiritually, I did not imagine myself not married to him, and fought tooth and nail to remain his wife, at whatever cost to me.
Did he show me he was no longer committed to our marriage? Yes! Without going into too many details, I found myself pretty much homeless, while mourning the death of my beloved father and the loss of my job. Yet, while I hurt, my "ex" filled his time running marathons (a new hobby he picked up) all over the country, and travelling to visit friends and go on vacations.
I see today how my self esteem was at an all-time low and how far from loving myself I was. I begged to come to live with him in Virginia so many times, that finally ,in the summer of 2011 he agreed to let me come, but only to move out a year later, leaving me in the same predicament as he had already left me before. That sense of deja vu made me feel painfully deceived all over again, being abandoned after I had sacrificed so much so he could achieve his dreams in life. I was still lonely, sad, and now, very depressed.
I was so sad, I didn't even recognize myself. I would break down and cry at work, at the grocery store, at the mall, and pretty much anywhere else. I was needing help and I needed to help myself, too!! The list below is something I had to do in order to ensure I would follow the steps needed for my healing. Number seven was the last thing I ever thought I would do, because I strongly advocated against divorce all my life, and still think divorce should not be the first option for marital problems.
My personal steps for recovery were:
1- Sign up for Divorce Care Support Group
2- Find a counselor or therapist with whom I could talk about my problem
3- Pray and forgive
4- Remind myself that my body still needed attention, like, being fed and getting rest
5- Surround myself by people that would be positive and encourage me
6- Keep myself occupied, so I would not be depressed
7- File for divorce
Healing comes in small steps, or bites, but it does come. As I look back at my life, I see that I should have probably filed for divorce much longer ago, and maybe I would have avoided a lot of the physical issues that I ended up having, which were caused by the stress under which I lived.
I don't, however, regret having waited to file for divorce until I was 100% sure that I was not doing anything in haste or in anger. I waited until I had done everything possible to save my marriage, but it was not up to just me.
Loving yourself does not mean you are completely self-focused and narcissistic; it means that you can appreciate yourself and treat yourself with the respect you deserve.
It took me a long time to learn to love ME, but I have discovered that I am deserving of a little TLC, too. And smiling, well, smiling has made wonders for my soul. And it will do for yours, also.
Blessings,
Luska
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Learning to Enjoy My Half of Things
This topic has been on my mind for some time, because some of my friends have small children and found themselves in custody and visitation battles during their divorces. I thank God for not having had to go through that, as my children are all grown.
But reality is that when two people divorce, no matter how much you try to enjoy time with your family, there will always be an invisible line that divides your territory/rights from the person to whom you were married. It's a "this is my time," or "this is my day," type of predicament that will happen more often than you desire, especially if your spouse no longer speaks with you.
I don't get to see my sons and their families but once, maybe twice a year. I am about 11 hours' drive from the two places where my three sons live (Indiana and WNY). One would think that when you drive that far to see your children, you will be able to spend every waking moment of the few days you have together with them, especially if the time when you do get to see them is a special holiday, like Christmas or Easter.
I have had so many uncomfortable and unpleasant encounters with my "ex" during holiday times, that I had almost wished I had not made those trips, which, if you ask me, is an unfair situation to be in, especially since it was not I who decided to split the family. Nevertheless, as the years pass and I learn how things work, I have decided that I will make the most with "my half of things."
Take Christmas, 2015, for instance. I drove to WNY to see my family for Christmas, and while there, on Christmas day, I would have had to spend most of the day by myself while my children had brunch with and spent the afternoon with their father. I could have stayed home sad and blue, or I could do what I did: I called up some friends I only get to see in WNY when I visit my children and asked if they were up to have the visit of their old friend in the afternoon, which they immediately agreed with. Needless to say, my Christmas day was wonderfully blessed and I got to spend time with my friends, their children and grandchildren. I never once felt sorry for myself for not being able to be with my own children because they had to split time between their father and me.
Sometimes things get played out in a way that we can feel hurt and unjustly done. My advice in this case is to remember that your "ex" has the same right to your children and grandchildren as you do, therefore, splitting time during the holidays, even if you are the one driving half a day to see them, is not uncommon and you should have a Plan B to put into action if you find yourself alone.
As I have stated on a previous post, "divorce is not nice, it is not pretty and it is not fair." If you find yourself in a situation like I just mentioned, remember that your family is not gone because your spouse chose to be. You can still have wonderful memories made with your children and their children. I was with my children for a very brief time, but I soaked in each moment with them and returned home thankful that I was able to go and be with them.
With the grace of God, you can learn to be content and make the most out of uncomfortable situations with your "ex." And... eventually, the "half of things" will no longer feel like half, because you'll have made the most out of them.
And remember: your children will always be your children, whether or not you and your "ex" are together. Nothing will ever change that!
Blessings,
Luska
But reality is that when two people divorce, no matter how much you try to enjoy time with your family, there will always be an invisible line that divides your territory/rights from the person to whom you were married. It's a "this is my time," or "this is my day," type of predicament that will happen more often than you desire, especially if your spouse no longer speaks with you.
I don't get to see my sons and their families but once, maybe twice a year. I am about 11 hours' drive from the two places where my three sons live (Indiana and WNY). One would think that when you drive that far to see your children, you will be able to spend every waking moment of the few days you have together with them, especially if the time when you do get to see them is a special holiday, like Christmas or Easter.
I have had so many uncomfortable and unpleasant encounters with my "ex" during holiday times, that I had almost wished I had not made those trips, which, if you ask me, is an unfair situation to be in, especially since it was not I who decided to split the family. Nevertheless, as the years pass and I learn how things work, I have decided that I will make the most with "my half of things."
Take Christmas, 2015, for instance. I drove to WNY to see my family for Christmas, and while there, on Christmas day, I would have had to spend most of the day by myself while my children had brunch with and spent the afternoon with their father. I could have stayed home sad and blue, or I could do what I did: I called up some friends I only get to see in WNY when I visit my children and asked if they were up to have the visit of their old friend in the afternoon, which they immediately agreed with. Needless to say, my Christmas day was wonderfully blessed and I got to spend time with my friends, their children and grandchildren. I never once felt sorry for myself for not being able to be with my own children because they had to split time between their father and me.
Sometimes things get played out in a way that we can feel hurt and unjustly done. My advice in this case is to remember that your "ex" has the same right to your children and grandchildren as you do, therefore, splitting time during the holidays, even if you are the one driving half a day to see them, is not uncommon and you should have a Plan B to put into action if you find yourself alone.
As I have stated on a previous post, "divorce is not nice, it is not pretty and it is not fair." If you find yourself in a situation like I just mentioned, remember that your family is not gone because your spouse chose to be. You can still have wonderful memories made with your children and their children. I was with my children for a very brief time, but I soaked in each moment with them and returned home thankful that I was able to go and be with them.
With the grace of God, you can learn to be content and make the most out of uncomfortable situations with your "ex." And... eventually, the "half of things" will no longer feel like half, because you'll have made the most out of them.
And remember: your children will always be your children, whether or not you and your "ex" are together. Nothing will ever change that!
Blessings,
Luska
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