What do you do when you fall down? You get up, you shake off
the dust and you start back a-walking.
I had to remind myself of that each time I started to think
that I could not do it on my own. After all, 31 years is a very long time to be
committed to something or someone, to then, find yourself having to go the route alone.
In my particular case, I was on an emotional rollercoaster
for several years, as I prayed and tried to convince my spouse that divorce
should not be an option, and if we trusted God for other areas of our lives, we
should also trust Him to heal our marriage. After all, the Bible does tell us
that we can do anything through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13).
From the first time I found myself alone, in July, 2008, until
the date our divorce was final, in June, 2014, I could literally feel my body
screaming for help, as my sleeping and eating patterns had taken a drastic
change, and I struggled to focus, having thoughts constantly run through my
head. I also lived with friends for two years during that time, as I could not
afford my own place. I was not realizing that I was allowing myself to stay
down, instead of getting up. What I thought was the right thing to do, the very thing I said "I do" for, was playing against me.
You eventually get to a point where something’s got to give,
and when that happens, you need to make the BEST decision for YOU. That alone
was very hard for me, as I had never before focused on myself for anything. It
was always my spouse and my children in first place in my life, and centering
the focus of my life on “me” was rather difficult. I had lived two years by
myself after moving to Virginia before we were divorced, and I still bought his
favorite snacks and foods when I went to the grocery store, and he still dropped by to
benefit from his spousal rights on some nights (whenever it was convenient). L
In my first post I mentioned I sought the help of a
counselor for myself and I would suggest that for anyone going through similar
emotional abuse. No one deserves to live thinking that there will be
reconciliation when the other party keeps on leaving!
So, it got to the point
where I had to REGROUP, REFOCUS and RESTART.
It
is not wise to do anything in haste, but it is not wise – or healthy - to
prolong your suffering for decades, either. With the help of my trusted support
group (I needed lots of prayer and encouragement), I started to regroup. I
picked myself up and told myself, “enough!” and then I said to myself, “you’ve
already been living alone for quite some time, so it will not be that bad to
have it on paper, also,” and then I reassured myself (once the divorce decree
was handed to me), “it is you and God now and you will be just fine.”
The road to accepting the new you (learning to love yourself), how you will live, where,
and what you will be doing is ahead of you. It will be up to you how you will
get to where you want to be.
I suggest taking small steps. Don’t rush into
anything. Enjoy your newly-found freedom. Strengthen your relationship with
God. And yes, start doing the things YOU enjoy doing.
Blessings,
Luska
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