Choosing the Higher Road

It's been four months since I last posted, and it wasn't because I did not want to write, but time has been very scarce between work, school and church. I am not complaining, either, because I am enjoying every bit of it all. :)
Also, in the beginning of June our family was blessed with a new addition, a little boy named Tristan, born to my youngest son, Lukas, and his wife Jessica. My grandmother's heart was rejoicing and I was in "grandma heaven" when I went up to WNY to meet the little bundle of joy, because all my grandchildren (so far, all boys) were up there to welcome their cousin. There is nothing more refreshing, fulfilling, fun and exciting than being around your children and grandchildren. I love them with all my heart.

Since this blog is about choosing to be joyful in the post-divorce phase of my life and my doctorate dissertation topic is about the impact of divorce on the educational persistence of female doctoral students (yes, it hits home to me!), I have been reading articles, books, blogs, dissertations and anything I can get my hands on that discusses divorce, persistence, resilience, stress, attrition, completion, and so forth. I have learned through my readings that all the emotions and pains of divorce which were experienced by me were not things that I was alone experiencing, and that surely helps in my healing, as I used to think that there was something wrong with me since my spouse consistently kept on leaving and placing me in the bottom of his priority list.
Here's a thought I would like to leave with you: if your spouse is not content with him/herself, is not content with the life he/she is living as a married individual, it is not because of you. You may, of course, play a part in his or her desire to leave, but the lack of stability, contentment and satisfaction in his or her life is not your fault, so do not take that blame. Trust me, I did, and that did not help me at all. I was blue and sad all the time, until the day I decided I would no longer blame myself for my ex spouse's actions.
So, back to my trip to be with family.... when I was up in WNY I saw my "ex" twice and instead of hurt and pain because of his actions towards me, (e.g. when he arrived at the hospital room to meet our new grandson, he greeted everyone in the room and completely ignored my presence among them), I felt sorry for him, because it must be tough for him to see me happy when he abandoned me at the worst times possible, and moved on to seek a replacement for me even before the divorce was final, while I am fully focused on work, school, and my spiritual life.
Family has always been my greatest joy. I sacrificed a lot because of my family, especially in the years that my ex spouse was pursuing his higher education, because I saw that as an investment in us as a family unit, not just on him, and the last thing on my mind was that someday he would tire himself of my company and affection, and leave.
Here I am, two years later, divorced and still getting my joy from watching my grandchildren grow, even if from a distance and having to use technology to communicate with them.
The man I devoted myself to proved to me that he did not deserve me. He abused my trust and willingness to help, to the very last second he could. He even used his job loss as an excuse not to pay me the full alimony amount decreed by the judge on June 6, 2014, by saying he would declare bankruptcy if he had to pay me that much, because "he had no job," so I settled for less than half, only to find out a short (very short) while later that he had already secured a job elsewhere, so I settled, basically, to help him take advantage of me. :(
There are battles in life that we can choose to fight and there are battles that we should simply trust that God will defend for us some day. The alimony one is a good example of that. I was forced to file for divorce to seek my rights after I had been abandoned for the third time in a row and had been alone in my marriage for multiple years. Yet, as his job loss (his own fault, too) happened right before the divorce was decreed, I thought I would help him by not forcing him to pay the money he claimed he didn't have, when, in fact, it was already secured.
How do you trust individuals like that? How do you believe the words that come out of the mouth of a person who lies to hurt you after you helped him or her for THREE decades?
To me, the decision is easy: I am definitely not going to change my values, my principles, my beliefs and the core of who I am as a child of God to lie, especially in court, about something I know is wrong just to hurt my neighbor. Especially if my "neighbor" is the only person I had ever loved in my life.
I choose the higher road and I choose to keep on doing what is right in God's eyes. The rest, well, God is just, and sooner or later, He settles it in His court. :)

Learn to Love Myself

I'd listened to Whitney Houston singing "The Greatest Love of All" so many times, but it wasn't until recently, while reflecting upon my own life circumstances that I actually came to peace with the fact that learning to love myself is actually something healthy that anyone should learn to do and do it.

Ironically, the beautiful woman with the amazing voice that captivated people all over the world did not seem to love herself a whole lot. As a matter of fact, tabloids loved to show pictures of her with a bruised face and black eyes. One can never tell what goes on inside the heart of someone who is hurting just by looking at them.

The Bible tells us to love God with all our being, and to love others as well, but if we pay close attention to the commandment, we will see that we are not told to love others above ourselves. As a matter of fact, here is the passage, word for word: 
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31

In marriage, however, especially for women, there is a tendency to love our spouses more than we love ourselves, and in some instances, to let ourselves go for the benefit of the other.

In my own marriage, I was so in love with the person of my spouse, that I did not think twice before putting his needs first. When we decided who would pursue his or her education first, it made perfect sense to me that since he was the main provider of the family, he would go all the way to the terminal degree, so he could find a good paying job and I would then, focus on my own studies.

In 1997, we left our 3-bedroom-home of almost 9 years in a small town in Texas, and moved the family to a tiny apartment in the Graduate Housing of Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, so my "ex" could work on his master's degree. Our boys were all young (9, 11, and 13), and I worked all day in a township north of Evanston, facing heavy traffic to and from work, which often kept me from being able to participate in my children's school activities. A year later, with the children barely adjusting to Illinois, we, again, picked up stakes and moved the family to Michigan, for him to start his doctorate coursework.

What started in 1997, lasted several years, as opportunities for new jobs came after graduation and we would pick up and move so he could take advantage of those. As the years passed, however, our children were staying behind and getting settled in the towns from which we moved. Several of those moves also entailed my "ex" moving ahead of me, which left me feeling lonely all the time.

Soon after, I found myself an empty nester who was home alone the majority of the time, as my "ex" was constantly focused on his career and new friendships he had been making while living away from me; eventually, he completely detached himself from me and from our marriage, and any mention I'd make about feeling lonely and needing companionship resulted in arguments and him telling me I was "quite the nagger," which, ultimately, turned him off and placed more distance between us.

From 2005 to the time we were divorced in 2014, we lived apart five years. Yes, I said FIVE years. What to me, was completely unacceptable and unlike a Christian marriage, was, to my "ex" the perfect set up, as he was living away from home and not owing accountability to anyone.

Why am I sharing this? As imperfect as what I just shared above was and felt, and as painful as it was to me emotionally, physically, and even spiritually, I did not imagine myself not married to him, and fought tooth and nail to remain his wife, at whatever cost to me.

Did he show me he was no longer committed to our marriage? Yes! Without going into too many details, I found myself pretty much homeless, while mourning the death of my beloved father and the loss of my job. Yet, while I hurt, my "ex" filled his time running marathons (a new hobby he picked up) all over the country, and travelling to visit friends and go on vacations.

I see today how my self esteem was at an all-time low and how far from loving myself I was. I begged to come to live with him in Virginia so many times, that finally ,in the summer of 2011 he agreed to let me come, but only to move out a year later, leaving me in the same predicament as he had already left me before. That sense of deja vu made me feel painfully deceived all over again, being abandoned after I had sacrificed so much so he could achieve his dreams in life. I was still lonely, sad, and now, very depressed.

I was so sad, I didn't even recognize myself. I would break down and cry at work, at the grocery store, at the mall, and pretty much anywhere else. I was needing help and I needed to help myself, too!! The list below is something I had to do in order to ensure I would follow the steps needed for my healing. Number seven was the last thing I ever thought I would do, because I strongly advocated against divorce all my life, and still think divorce should not be the first option for marital problems.

My personal steps for recovery were:
1- Sign up for Divorce Care Support Group
2- Find a counselor or therapist with whom I could talk about my problem
3- Pray and forgive
4- Remind myself that my body still needed attention, like, being fed and getting rest
5- Surround myself by people that would be positive and encourage me
6- Keep myself occupied, so I would not be depressed
7- File for divorce

Healing comes in small steps, or bites, but it does come. As I look back at my life, I see that I should have probably filed for divorce much longer ago, and maybe I would have avoided a lot of the physical issues that I ended up having, which were caused by the stress under which I lived.

I don't, however, regret having waited to file for divorce until I was 100% sure that I was not doing anything in haste or in anger. I waited until I had done everything possible to save my marriage, but it was not up to just me.

Loving yourself does not mean you are completely self-focused and narcissistic; it means that you can appreciate yourself and treat yourself with the respect you deserve.

It took me a long time to learn to love ME, but I have discovered that I am deserving of a little TLC, too. And smiling, well, smiling has made wonders for my soul. And it will do for yours, also.

Blessings,

Luska




 


 

Learning to Enjoy My Half of Things

This topic has been on my mind for some time, because some of my friends have small children and found themselves in custody and visitation battles during their divorces. I thank God for not having had to go through that, as my children are all grown.

But reality is that when two people divorce, no matter how much you try to enjoy time with your family, there will always be an invisible line that divides your territory/rights from the person to whom you were married. It's a "this is my time," or "this is my day," type of predicament that will happen more often than you desire, especially if your spouse no longer speaks with you.

I don't get to see my sons and their families but once, maybe twice a year. I am about 11 hours' drive from the two places where my three sons live (Indiana and WNY). One would think that when you drive that far to see your children, you will be able to spend every waking moment of the few days you have together with them, especially if the time when you do get to see them is a special holiday, like Christmas or Easter.

I have had so many uncomfortable and unpleasant encounters with my "ex" during holiday times, that I had almost wished I had not made those trips, which, if you ask me, is an unfair situation to be in, especially since it was not I who decided to split the family. Nevertheless, as the years pass and I learn how things work, I have decided that I will make the most with "my half of things."

Take Christmas, 2015, for instance. I drove to WNY to see my family for Christmas, and while there, on Christmas day, I would have had to spend most of the day by myself while my children had brunch with and spent the afternoon with their father. I could have stayed home sad and blue, or I could do what I did: I called up some friends I only get to see in WNY when I visit my children and asked if they were up to have the visit of their old friend in the afternoon, which they immediately agreed with. Needless to say, my Christmas day was wonderfully blessed and I got to spend time with my friends, their children and grandchildren. I never once felt sorry for myself for not being able to be with my own children because they had to split time between their father and me.

Sometimes things get played out in a way that we can feel hurt and unjustly done. My advice in this case is to remember that your "ex" has the same right to your children and grandchildren as you do, therefore, splitting time during the holidays, even if you are the one driving half a day to see them, is not uncommon and you should have a Plan B to put into action if you find yourself alone.

As I have stated on a previous post, "divorce is not nice, it is not pretty and it is not fair." If you find yourself in a situation like I just mentioned, remember that your family is not gone because your spouse chose to be. You can still have wonderful memories made with your children and their children. I was with my children for a very brief time, but I soaked in each moment with them and returned home thankful that I was able to go and be with them.

With the grace of God, you can learn to be content and make the most out of uncomfortable situations with your "ex." And... eventually, the "half of things" will no longer feel like half, because you'll have made the most out of them.

And remember: your children will always be your children, whether or not you and your "ex" are together. Nothing will ever change that!

Blessings,

Luska

The Joy That Each "First" Will Bring

Happy Monday!

I have shared what I think about divorce.
I have shared how divorce impacted my life physically, emotionally, and financially.
I have shared about the importance of a good support system, aka "friends!"
I have shared how faith has been the cornerstone of my ability to heal.
I have shared how I had to find help to get back up and restart.

Well, today I wish to share the euphoria I felt on some of my "firsts." And you will, too!

During my 31-year marriage, very little was put in my name, though I pulled my financial weight along those years, especially while my "ex" attended school. Nevertheless, after all was said and done, I needed to start putting things in my name, and that took a little adjusting on my part, which brought about a mixture of fear and anxiety, as it made the reality that I was now "on my own" very alive.

One of the big "firsts" for me was to get my apartment rental under my name. When you rent your own place, you must make sure you sign a contract and that what is agreed verbally is also on paper, in the written form. I remember asking my landlord to allow me to take my contract home, so I could read it and then sign it and return it to her. It is okay for you to feel this way, and it is okay that you take time to read it carefully before you sign it, especially under these circumstances. I was fortunate that I had understanding landlords, and also thankful that my "ex" did not ask for the deposit back, which helped me a bit. The major transition in this case was putting the place in my name, as I was already the one paying the rent since moving in.

Another "first" for me was to have my vehicle transferred to my name. As in the case of the apartment, I was the one making the payments, but the car was not in my name. With the emotional whirlwind that takes place during separation and divorce, we oftentimes do not think about these things, but, unfortunately, you must think about them, because during divorce people are not who you always thought they were. I will leave this comment at that, but recommend that you do look at the things that you need to live and make sure that you are not in the short end of the stick, because some divorce lawyers do not care if you are a law-abiding citizen or a Christian, and they will fight for their clients by making you look like the bad person, thus, making sure you do not get what you deserve, no matter how many years you sacrifice for your marriage/family. I sobbed in court several times when falsely accused by his divorce lawyer, and was so dumbfounded that I could not even defend myself.

But, back to my car: on the day my title arrived in the mail, I did a happy dance in my kitchen. My car is 16 years old, but who cares? It is mine, and it is paid off. Praise God!

What about bills, such as electricity, internet, phone, insurance, etc.? They all need to be in YOUR name. If you have not done so, make sure you do. If you are not quick, you will find yourself like me, at one point without health insurance and at another, without car insurance.

I know it is hard to have clear thoughts when you are emotionally distraught, but you must make sure you keep moving along and that you do what you need to do to survive. As you get used to doing your things on your own, you will start enjoying taking ownership of your life. :)

And another piece of advice: if the judge orders your "ex" to pay you anything to help with your survival, DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. Trust me. It will not be appreciated. Take what was ordered by the court and let your "ex" find a way to pay you. You've earned it. I just wish I had someone to tell me this before I agreed to take less.

Remember: You can do this. You will survive it. You will overcome the sorrow.

Blessings,

Luska

Regroup, Refocus, Restart

What do you do when you fall down? You get up, you shake off the dust and you start back a-walking.

I had to remind myself of that each time I started to think that I could not do it on my own. After all, 31 years is a very long time to be committed to something or someone, to then, find yourself having to go the route alone.

In my particular case, I was on an emotional rollercoaster for several years, as I prayed and tried to convince my spouse that divorce should not be an option, and if we trusted God for other areas of our lives, we should also trust Him to heal our marriage. After all, the Bible does tell us that we can do anything through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13).

From the first time I found myself alone, in July, 2008, until the date our divorce was final, in June, 2014, I could literally feel my body screaming for help, as my sleeping and eating patterns had taken a drastic change, and I struggled to focus, having thoughts constantly run through my head. I also lived with friends for two years during that time, as I could not afford my own place. I was not realizing that I was allowing myself to stay down, instead of getting up. What I thought was the right thing to do, the very thing I said "I do" for, was playing against me. 

You eventually get to a point where something’s got to give, and when that happens, you need to make the BEST decision for YOU. That alone was very hard for me, as I had never before focused on myself for anything. It was always my spouse and my children in first place in my life, and centering the focus of my life on “me” was rather difficult. I had lived two years by myself after moving to Virginia before we were divorced, and I still bought his favorite snacks and foods when I went to the grocery store, and he still dropped by to benefit from his spousal rights on some nights (whenever it was convenient). L

In my first post I mentioned I sought the help of a counselor for myself and I would suggest that for anyone going through similar emotional abuse. No one deserves to live thinking that there will be reconciliation when the other party keeps on leaving!

So, it got to the point where I had to REGROUP, REFOCUS and RESTART.

It is not wise to do anything in haste, but it is not wise – or healthy - to prolong your suffering for decades, either. With the help of my trusted support group (I needed lots of prayer and encouragement), I started to regroup. I picked myself up and told myself, “enough!” and then I said to myself, “you’ve already been living alone for quite some time, so it will not be that bad to have it on paper, also,” and then I reassured myself (once the divorce decree was handed to me), “it is you and God now and you will be just fine.”

The road to accepting the new you (learning to love yourself), how you will live, where, and what you will be doing is ahead of you. It will be up to you how you will get to where you want to be.

I suggest taking small steps. Don’t rush into anything. Enjoy your newly-found freedom. Strengthen your relationship with God. And yes, start doing the things YOU enjoy doing.

Blessings,

Luska

 

Overcoming the Pain of Divorce

I don't think it is any little girl's dream to grow up, get married and get divorced. We all fantasize from a very young age that we will find our prince charming and live happily ever after. And some do just that. However, for some of us, the story does not exactly end with the "happily ever after" part. Some of us face the reality that prince charming is still charming, but just not around us and that he decides, sooner or later, to mount his horse and take off to never return.

Fairy tales are great, but in real life we are faced with a world that is very much focused on the "self" and people oftentimes forget the Golden Rule, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets" Matthew 7:12 (NIV), thus, promises get forgotten and unfulfilled, and dreams get shattered in the process.

So, the judge says you are divorced. What's next?

That day for me happened (irony of ironies) on "D-Day," June 6, 2014. That day sealed on official paper what my spouse of 31 years had already decided years prior, when he packed up his things and moved out. In a sense, our marriage had already been over because he had checked out, but I kept on insisting we should not divorce.

Divorce is not easy. Heck, it isn't even a pretty word, if you ask me. But in some cases, divorce can bring closure and can help you heal from feelings like abandonment and inferiority. Plus, it can help you see that even though you may have been in a loveless relationship before, you are not unlovable, especially if you know that God loves you.

So many questions will surface out of divorce. In my case, my mind would go so fast and I would ask all these questions one after another, and I would cry over nothing at all. I would ask why my spouse left me and I would believe I didn't measure up, that I wasn't smart enough, capable enough, pretty enough, confident enough.... in a nut shell, I had started to think I was a big, fat nothing, because if I amounted to anything, he would still be by my side.

In these times of extreme anxiety, which included panic attacks and physical illness, I cried out to God with all my strength. I would stay up at night crying and reading my Bible. I learned to go to God's Word to search for comfort, and I found comfort in that very place. One day, while walking the neighborhood where I lived in Mt. Vernon, GA, I thought I had no strength to keep on going, and the Lord spoke to me by leading me to read Isaiah 54:5-8. That Bible passage became something I would cling to at all times, because I knew God cared enough to let me know in one of my worst moments, that He was right there with me, and He knew exactly what my heart was going through. There have been other Bible passages that I took as "my own" during my times of distress, but this one was always on my mind. I needed that reminder. If you seek God and ask Him for comfort, He will give it to you, and you will have your "very own" Bible passage as well.

I am thankful for good, caring friends, and God did place wonderful people around me for support, to pray with and for me, to talk to me, and to just be there when I needed them. And I soon realized that I could not overcome my grief on my own and sought help through my church, which has wonderful ministries catering to an array of needs. I discovered through church the Divorce Care program, and I went through the program twice. If you are curious to learn about this program, check it out by clicking on this link: www.divorcecare.org.

I also sought professional counseling and that helped me quite a bit. Talking to someone who is impartial and can help you refocus is very important, and I did three years of counseling for the purpose of overcoming my grief. I still remember the first few visits to my counselor, where I would sit there and sob, hardly able to say a word, as my pain was so deep; but with time, I started to regain confidence and was able to talk about my problem without breaking down like before.

As unfortunate as it is, divorce affects a large percentage of marriages today and there are many people hurting from the effects of it. I have met many people in my community who are experiencing separation and divorce and some are walking the shoes I have walked in already, so I decided to share my story, because I believe that we can all help one another by showing not only that we care, but that what they are experiencing is normal and that the pain will eventually go away and that they will, in due time, experience joy again.

In my personal experience, faith has played a major role in my healing, but I also sought strong Christian friends (support community) who could pray with me and encourage me when I needed, and I tried not to withdraw from people (though in the first months that followed our separation, I felt so ashamed that I avoided any contact with others). Secluding yourself from others can make matters worse, as you will really succumb to depressive thoughts and sadness. Instead, reach out to friends that you know will be there for you and who really care about your well-being and ask them to pray with you. Refuse to be down and choose to be joyful!

If you are reading this and some of what I shared is familiar to you, know that you will come out stronger on the other side. The Bible says that "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5. Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel and joy will come back if you let it!

I pray this post serves as encouragement to you today.

Blessings,

Luska

Introduction

Hi! My name is Luska and I hope to share some encouraging stories with you. These are my own life experiences, and my intent is that some of what I have experienced in my own life can help someone else who may be needing encouragement.

I love to write and I love to share testimonials of how God always comes through for me, helping me, providing for me, loving me, comforting me, and making sure I persevere. So, if you enjoy reading and think that some of my experiences could encourage you or someone else, then, it is nice to make your acquaintance.

Thanks for stopping by!

Luska